What is it about this time of year that makes everyone warm and fuzzy inside? Of course, at this point in life it signifies the end of another semester and the start of a short break before the next. But there are a few things that irk me enough to write an article about the stupid things that people do this time of year.

Women have called me many things, one does not include being chivalrous, but I most definitely take the time to hold the door open for the poor schlep behind me in the blistering cold. Unfortunately, it seems that this said individual wearing sorority letters was not taught the same manners as I. She neglected to hold the door open for me not once, not twice, but three times as I was walking into Laurel Hall. My only guess was that I wasn’t good looking enough and she hoped to help me by letting the door slam into my face.

A few years ago, maybe a decade, there were soccer moms killing each other in line at KB Toys for a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll. Does your kid really need this doll so much that you are willing to fight tooth and nail with another parent for it? This damn thing was made by kids in China or Taiwan working for a few cents per day. These poor little children were pricking their fingers sewing up the hole on your new daughter’s doll. Do you really want to blood of the innocent Chinese children, including a crazed parent, on your hands so that your daughter feels with the in crowd?

No matter how early you decide to get up there is always some asshole that decided to wake his children up at the crack of dawn to beat you to the roads. This prick resembles everything that is considered evil about holiday traffic. He is the guy that “forgets” to use the blinker when he is changing lanes on the highway, the same guy that double parks in the morning at Wawa when you are getting coffee, and often can be seen doing ninety-five on the Parkway in a minivan.
There is often an epic battle going on between myself and said individual. The man looks over at me when we are going through the tollbooth and locks his gaze onto me; I now have a target painted on my forehead. At this point I must now accept his challenge, as a man, in order to preserve the sanctity of my manhood. In my soul I know that it is going to be a longwinded battle of vehicular knowledge and my ability to be stealth in my speeding and lawbreaking practices. In the end, like Highlander, there can be only one.

Footnote: Please be sure to have a safe and happy holiday season. Be sure to allow sorority women through doors after you, avoid eye contact with men driving minivans and make sure that soccer mom doesn’t kill you for the next Tickle-Me-Elmo doll. You can heed my words as truth, fiction or somewhere in between; I’m a stubborn, obnoxious, humble, sometimes ignorant (and rarely arrogant) bastard, but I choose my words carefully. You should too, because sticks and stones might break bones, but as Imus can attest – words most definitely hurt you.

You would be amazed the things that you miss when you are in a state of relaxation, but more so, the amazement comes when you realize that you held a full conversation with someone during that ordeal. There are some things that should not be said to family members, I firmly constitute full disclosure amongst immediate family, but your Grandmother doesn’t need to know about your sexual escapades with a girl that you thought was named Susan.

There is nearly an absolute certainty to Spring Break that often gets overlooked when people fly home, go on a road trip, or end up in Cancun. This concept, which has been celebrated publicly for over one hundred years, was originally intended as a religious day of worship, but now has involved into my favorite holiday of the year.

That’s right ladies and gentleman, the root of part of my heritage will be satisfied soon, because Saint Patrick’s Day is less than a week away. As soon as that little rodent came out of his hole at the beginning of February I could already smell the corned beef and cabbage on my plate. I will put the finishing touches on my party plans, head out to the local store to buy the survival supplies and, of course, green food coloring.

Before all of you immediately think that my only plan this weekend is to pour liquor down my throat with a plastic tube, well, I can tell you that its not my only plan! There, of course, are the unforgettable memories that are shared between friends on this great holiday that only comes once a year. You know, those pictures of you with your hand around your buddy and making an embarrassing face, or an obscene gesture.

But, how many days a year can you buy obscene amounts of alcohol, gather together with some of your best friends in the world, consume caloricaly, disgusting amounts of beef, and blame it all on the Roman Catholics? All the while, able to wear a green wig, hats, necklaces and clothing – and not looking like an absolute freak, or the jolly green giant?

That’s right, all of those great things mashed into one big happy bundle of joy. I could not ask for a better holiday, in fact, I would not want to ask for a better holiday!

Saint Patrick’s Day is one of those holidays that you should avoid the eldest members of your family at all costs. You don’t want to be sloppy drunk, wearing your birthday suit and holding a mug of beer in your hands. That’s just not good form my friends, please be sure to keep all of your clothes on, because these are not the types of stories that you want your parents to be telling your kids.

Remember, everyone is Irish on Saint Patrick’s Day!

Most people cherish the moments that they have with their family, and unfortunately, the majority of people that move on with their lives only see the family on the holidays. If you so happen to sticking around home during the holiday, make sure to spend some time with those that you do not get to see too often, and make sure that the next time that you decide to go over your portfolio of Kama Sutra with Grandma, make sure to leave out the nitty-gritty. She does not want to hear that your nickname is “John Wayne” in bed, and that the girl whose name you vaguely remember as Susan wore a pair of leather boots with spurs.

You wouldn’t want to receive a hand-knitted sweater with a picture of a leather saddle on it, would you? Didn’t think so. Keep the sexual innuendos away from Grandma.