It is almost impossible not to get into the holiday spirit this time of year. As I walked through the campus this week the brisk air and the dusting of snow brought back the memories of Christmas past. For a few moments, in my half-buzzed state, I thought that I was Bill Murray and one of the three ghosts was about to pop out and bring me into my possible future obnoxious self. Of course after realizing the light was merely a reflection of a police siren I went back to my walk.
What is it about this time of year that makes everyone warm and fuzzy inside? Of course, at this point in life it signifies the end of another semester and the start of a short break before the next. But there are a few things that irk me enough to write an article about the stupid things that people do this time of year.
Women have called me many things, one does not include being chivalrous, but I most definitely take the time to hold the door open for the poor schlep behind me in the blistering cold. Unfortunately, it seems that this said individual wearing sorority letters was not taught the same manners as I. She neglected to hold the door open for me not once, not twice, but three times as I was walking into Laurel Hall. My only guess was that I wasn’t good looking enough and she hoped to help me by letting the door slam into my face.
A few years ago, maybe a decade, there were soccer moms killing each other in line at KB Toys for a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll. Does your kid really need this doll so much that you are willing to fight tooth and nail with another parent for it? This damn thing was made by kids in China or Taiwan working for a few cents per day. These poor little children were pricking their fingers sewing up the hole on your new daughter’s doll. Do you really want to blood of the innocent Chinese children, including a crazed parent, on your hands so that your daughter feels with the in crowd?
No matter how early you decide to get up there is always some asshole that decided to wake his children up at the crack of dawn to beat you to the roads. This prick resembles everything that is considered evil about holiday traffic. He is the guy that “forgets” to use the blinker when he is changing lanes on the highway, the same guy that double parks in the morning at Wawa when you are getting coffee, and often can be seen doing ninety-five on the Parkway in a minivan.
There is often an epic battle going on between myself and said individual. The man looks over at me when we are going through the tollbooth and locks his gaze onto me; I now have a target painted on my forehead. At this point I must now accept his challenge, as a man, in order to preserve the sanctity of my manhood. In my soul I know that it is going to be a longwinded battle of vehicular knowledge and my ability to be stealth in my speeding and lawbreaking practices. In the end, like Highlander, there can be only one.
Footnote: Please be sure to have a safe and happy holiday season. Be sure to allow sorority women through doors after you, avoid eye contact with men driving minivans and make sure that soccer mom doesn’t kill you for the next Tickle-Me-Elmo doll. You can heed my words as truth, fiction or somewhere in between; I’m a stubborn, obnoxious, humble, sometimes ignorant (and rarely arrogant) bastard, but I choose my words carefully. You should too, because sticks and stones might break bones, but as Imus can attest – words most definitely hurt you.
There are few things that are better in life than relaxing at home, drinking and watching the football game while gorging yourself on turkey and mashed potatoes. Then, as sure as the hands on a clock, that tryptophan invites his amino acid buddies in and the next think you know there serotonin is hookin’ on the corner double-fisting a beer and a bottle of Jack. Whilst this internal battle between amino acids waged on, your cousin tried to make brownies in an ez-bake oven and the dog is in the back yard chasing an alligator-rat.
You would be amazed the things that you miss when you are in a state of relaxation, but more so, the amazement comes when you realize that you held a full conversation with someone during that ordeal. There are some things that should not be said to family members, I firmly constitute full disclosure amongst immediate family, but your Grandmother doesn’t need to know about your sexual escapades with a girl that you thought was named Susan.
There is nearly an absolute certainty to Spring Break that often gets overlooked when people fly home, go on a road trip, or end up in Cancun. This concept, which has been celebrated publicly for over one hundred years, was originally intended as a religious day of worship, but now has involved into my favorite holiday of the year.
That’s right ladies and gentleman, the root of part of my heritage will be satisfied soon, because Saint Patrick’s Day is less than a week away. As soon as that little rodent came out of his hole at the beginning of February I could already smell the corned beef and cabbage on my plate. I will put the finishing touches on my party plans, head out to the local store to buy the survival supplies and, of course, green food coloring.
Before all of you immediately think that my only plan this weekend is to pour liquor down my throat with a plastic tube, well, I can tell you that its not my only plan! There, of course, are the unforgettable memories that are shared between friends on this great holiday that only comes once a year. You know, those pictures of you with your hand around your buddy and making an embarrassing face, or an obscene gesture.
But, how many days a year can you buy obscene amounts of alcohol, gather together with some of your best friends in the world, consume caloricaly, disgusting amounts of beef, and blame it all on the Roman Catholics? All the while, able to wear a green wig, hats, necklaces and clothing – and not looking like an absolute freak, or the jolly green giant?
That’s right, all of those great things mashed into one big happy bundle of joy. I could not ask for a better holiday, in fact, I would not want to ask for a better holiday!
Saint Patrick’s Day is one of those holidays that you should avoid the eldest members of your family at all costs. You don’t want to be sloppy drunk, wearing your birthday suit and holding a mug of beer in your hands. That’s just not good form my friends, please be sure to keep all of your clothes on, because these are not the types of stories that you want your parents to be telling your kids.
Remember, everyone is Irish on Saint Patrick’s Day!
Most people cherish the moments that they have with their family, and unfortunately, the majority of people that move on with their lives only see the family on the holidays. If you so happen to sticking around home during the holiday, make sure to spend some time with those that you do not get to see too often, and make sure that the next time that you decide to go over your portfolio of Kama Sutra with Grandma, make sure to leave out the nitty-gritty. She does not want to hear that your nickname is “John Wayne” in bed, and that the girl whose name you vaguely remember as Susan wore a pair of leather boots with spurs.
You wouldn’t want to receive a hand-knitted sweater with a picture of a leather saddle on it, would you? Didn’t think so. Keep the sexual innuendos away from Grandma.
As I have gotten older and older there have been less and less on television that interests me to a point where I would call myself a “follower” of a particular television show. While watching some Saturday morning cartoons I ask myself: Were cartoons this horrible when I was watching them years ago? But after doing some quick mathematics (and remembering a little from economics) I am starting to believe that due to the fact there are more and more channels available the amount of quality programming goes down.
There has been a resurrection of television from when I was a kid. I am starting to see older movies on television more often, the Cartoon Network has been playing the older episodes of ‘Scooby Doo’ and it seems that every week on television ‘My Cousin Vinny’ can be found on one channel or another.
I have found my pleasure in ‘House’ on FOX, more recently ‘Reaper’ on the WB and the ‘Bionic Woman’ on NBC. There were gambles taken with ‘Firefly’ (that proved to only gain a second life after the series was canceled) and ‘Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.’ But the television bigwigs are being way too cautious with programming and refusing to take gambles with new ideas.
Even the movie industry is falling back on old franchises to bring moviegoers back to the silver screen. Over the break ‘Alien vs. Predator’ hit the screens near Christmas, ‘Star Trek’ had a teaser trailer at the beginning of ‘Cloverfield’ and for the past six months Sly has been all over the screen with ‘Rambo.’
The executives of the major film companies would like to blame the fact movie sales have been at all time lows due to piracy, but the fact of the matter is that we don’t like purchasing a steaming pile of shit. Even if the odor has been disguised the fact still remains: the vast majority of movies lately have been crap.
Now, the fact has been obviously seen due to all of the re-makes, spin-offs and reruns we seen on television and in theaters. Unfortunately, the reason all comes down to the same thing regardless of which industry: money. It costs money to produce a new franchise that nine times out of ten wouldn’t yield the same result if they just slapped another ‘Star Trek’ movie together with a big name director attached.
I am tired of the same thing. Most of the innovation in the technology industry comes from start-ups, research universities or rogue elements of a bigger corporation. It all comes down to the little guy. When a single person has a great idea, the perseverance and rolls the dice: that’s when great things happen.
Hopefully a few good things come out of this Writer’s Guild strike. One thing I would like to see are more gambles being taken with relatively unknown writers. There are thousands of novels out there with great stories that when I finish reading them I think, “Damn this could totally be a great movie.”
So I hope that the industry will stop making a debauchery of my childhood. I am tired of seeing some half-assed adaptation of great movies (‘Alien vs. Predator’ immediately comes to mind) and I am tired of seeing the same television on all three hundred unnecessary channels. We should all tell the entertainment industries to grow a pair and stop blaming their lack of creativity on us.
If you have an idea for a story, short-film or series don’t be afraid to tell other people. Get the word out and start filming some amateur footage. Who knows, maybe you’ll be able to convince the idiots spending millions of dollars on liquid feces such as ‘Norbit.’