It is almost impossible not to get into the holiday spirit this time of year. As I walked through the campus this week the brisk air and the dusting of snow brought back the memories of Christmas past. For a few moments, in my half-buzzed state, I thought that I was Bill Murray and one of the three ghosts was about to pop out and bring me into my possible future obnoxious self. Of course after realizing the light was merely a reflection of a police siren I went back to my walk.
What is it about this time of year that makes everyone warm and fuzzy inside? Of course, at this point in life it signifies the end of another semester and the start of a short break before the next. But there are a few things that irk me enough to write an article about the stupid things that people do this time of year.
Women have called me many things, one does not include being chivalrous, but I most definitely take the time to hold the door open for the poor schlep behind me in the blistering cold. Unfortunately, it seems that this said individual wearing sorority letters was not taught the same manners as I. She neglected to hold the door open for me not once, not twice, but three times as I was walking into Laurel Hall. My only guess was that I wasn’t good looking enough and she hoped to help me by letting the door slam into my face.
A few years ago, maybe a decade, there were soccer moms killing each other in line at KB Toys for a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll. Does your kid really need this doll so much that you are willing to fight tooth and nail with another parent for it? This damn thing was made by kids in China or Taiwan working for a few cents per day. These poor little children were pricking their fingers sewing up the hole on your new daughter’s doll. Do you really want to blood of the innocent Chinese children, including a crazed parent, on your hands so that your daughter feels with the in crowd?
No matter how early you decide to get up there is always some asshole that decided to wake his children up at the crack of dawn to beat you to the roads. This prick resembles everything that is considered evil about holiday traffic. He is the guy that “forgets” to use the blinker when he is changing lanes on the highway, the same guy that double parks in the morning at Wawa when you are getting coffee, and often can be seen doing ninety-five on the Parkway in a minivan.
There is often an epic battle going on between myself and said individual. The man looks over at me when we are going through the tollbooth and locks his gaze onto me; I now have a target painted on my forehead. At this point I must now accept his challenge, as a man, in order to preserve the sanctity of my manhood. In my soul I know that it is going to be a longwinded battle of vehicular knowledge and my ability to be stealth in my speeding and lawbreaking practices. In the end, like Highlander, there can be only one.
Footnote: Please be sure to have a safe and happy holiday season. Be sure to allow sorority women through doors after you, avoid eye contact with men driving minivans and make sure that soccer mom doesn’t kill you for the next Tickle-Me-Elmo doll. You can heed my words as truth, fiction or somewhere in between; I’m a stubborn, obnoxious, humble, sometimes ignorant (and rarely arrogant) bastard, but I choose my words carefully. You should too, because sticks and stones might break bones, but as Imus can attest – words most definitely hurt you.